Grief Mode 4/13/20

Robbie at the Butterfly Center April 2018

We had a quiet Easter weekend. I was able to see all my siblings on a zoom gathering, which was fun. If anything comes out of this crazy pandemic, it will be all the ways we have learned to use technology for to keep our friends and family close.

The other topic going through my mind is how grief impacts all my relationships now. When people talk to me, I am often thinking about something from the past 5 years while Robbie was sick and since we have lost him. Watching Robbie go through treatment and treatment…..procedures,…surgeries…. and at the same time trying to stay strong and optimistic for him. Then losing my sweet boy that I loved so much. I am grieving and at the same time trying to recover from all the trauma.

When someone talks to me, they can accidentally trigger an unexpected response. Last week someone said to me (kind of like you might say to a child) “Sometimes you have to do what you don’t want to do to get what you want”…. They might as well tossed gas and a match on me. I way overreacted to this leaving them wondering what happened. What they don’t realize and I was too upset to tell them is that I left a job I loved, friends I cared about, living near our girls, sold our house, moved to Houston… lived in a tiny Houston apartment that smelled like mold for a year, and on and on….. We did everything to try to save our son! I think I have plenty of experience doing what I don’t want to try to get what I want!!

In fact, we would be moving back near our girls if my husband hadn’t gotten cancer last year and receives treatment at MD Anderson. I might be a little over reactive to some topics!

Now I need to mend that relationship without going over the edge again, because my filter is currently on grief mode, which means if I think it….I might say it.

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