This picture was taken last December at MD Anderson. Today I was back in the role of caregiver for my husband for some routine tests for his cancer. I knew it would be difficult, but I wasn’t prepared for how emotional and overwhelming it would be. Everywhere I went, I have memories of Robbie. I tried going to a couple of our favorite places to hide out, but it was too upsetting. I miss him more everyday.
I’ve already talked with my girls and for my husband’s next round of tests the beginning of January, one of them will come down. I have been so sick to my stomach the last few days, I assumed I had the flu, but as soon as we were home from MDA today, my stomach was fine. There is no immediate threat of losing my husband, because as long as the daily chemo drugs are working, the cancer should keep from growing, but it can take an unexpected turn for the worse or the drugs can stop working, so I live with the fear of loosing someone else I love to cancer. It is scary and I try to stay in denial to help with coping. It is hard to be in denial when you are at MD Anderson. Then it becomes too real.
My husband on our last trip to IKEA. I told him I found a dog for him that meets all my criteria.